


Albatross

by mrbeliever



Category: Clique
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 16:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7114021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrbeliever/pseuds/mrbeliever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which two best friends become estranged after one of them admits to the other that she's in love with her but one day, they finally find each other again</p>
            </blockquote>





	Albatross

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends, this is my first oneshot so it may not be the best or most well put together thing, but it is one of my favorite pieces of my writing and i hope you love it like i do

"So, yeah, I'm in love with you." Is where it all started, and where it all should have ended.

Aster should've just walked away when she heard that, she shouldn't have looked Birdie in the eyes, her sad, lost eyes that made Aster want to make them sweet and happy forever.

But, Aster couldn't. Birdie had gotten away before, and Aster wanted Birdie right in front of her, and she wanted badly to do something to get her to stay.

"I...Birdie...ah.." Aster stammered out and Birdie chuckled ironically, shaking her head and turning around to leave Aster's apartment, where she spent the night because she had been too drunk to want to go anywhere else.

"Birdie, no! Please don't leave, I don't want you to leave again." Aster said, grabbing onto Birdie's wrist to keep her to the ground. Birdie always wanted to fly off somewhere.

"If I stay, I'm just going to get drunk again and tell you more about how much I love you and just jeopardize this friendship even more." She responded, looking down at the ground sadly.

"When did you start loving me?" Aster asked, and Birdie's eye widened so much they were about to pop out of her head.

Birdie smiled nervously, biting down on her lip and playing with what little hair she had. (Birdie decided to cut off all her hair last summer so she could see what it felt like to be free).

"I guess it was when you came over that one night and your boyfriend had just broken up with you and you just climbed into bed beside me and wrapped your arms around me. You didn't even talk about him, you just held me and told me how you wanted me to feel good, as if you weren't the one with the broken heart."

"I was drunk that night, Birdie. I don't want you to be in love with the drunk, sloppy girl."

"I fell in love with you so many times after that. And I'll fall in with you again. And you'll never fall in love with me. And that's why I can't stay here, Aster."

"Don't fly away, Birdie." Aster pleaded, tugging Birdie closer to her, their hips almost touching.

"Don't expect everyone to shine like a star like you do, Aster. I have to go." Birdie cooed, gently removing Aster's hand from around her wrist and walking straight out through the door.

They both thought it was over between them. Birdie had flown away and Aster was lost in the stars. Surely they'd never find each other again.

____________________________________

Surely, somewhere in the sky, birds and stars have to meet. Even from far away.

Aster saw Birdie one day, sitting on a bench outside a frozen yogurt shop, beside a girl who Aster had never seen before. Aster was tempted to go over and say something to the girl who used to be, and may still be, in love with her, but what do you say to someone like that? They were best friends at one point, and Aster felt like she could tell Birdie anything and she'd understand, but now the thought of talking to her made her felt like she was choking for words, and she ran away before Birdie could spot her.

Birdie tried to pretend that she didn't see the most beautiful girl in the world staring at her from across the street, and she tried to focus on Hester, the new star in her sky. Hester and Birdie had been together for two years now, and Birdie tried to convince herself that she really loved her, but honestly she was terrified that one day Hester would discover the past Birdie was hiding, and that Birdie would have to fly away from yet another girl.

Birdie wanted so badly to chase after her estranged best friend as she saw her rushing down the sidewalk opposite of her, but how odd would it look to Hester if Birdie just took off across the road and rushed after a girl Hester had never seen before.

"Something wrong baby?" Hester asked, and Birdie flinched at the sound of her voice after being so used to silence for the past few minutes.

"Uh...no. Everything's fine...just saw someone I thought I knew." Birdie responded nervously and Hester furrowed her brows, but didn't try to get her to elaborate. Hester understood when Birdie didn't want to talk. It was one of the things that kept Birdie around for so long.   
____________________________________

Aster kept seeing Birdie at the bench outside the frozen yogurt shop, and she was starting to think Birdie was waiting for her. One day, Aster decided to cross the street and go into the yogurt shop, and surely enough, Birdie followed her inside.

"Who was that woman?" Aster asked, sensing Birdie behind her.

"Is that really the first thing you want to say after two years of radio silence?" Birdie asked, obviously evading the question.

"Yes."

"She's my girlfriend, but....she can't replace you. No one can." Birdie said sadly, and Aster turned around to face her, a sympathetic look on her features.

"Birdie..."

"No, Aster. Some part of me wants to believe that you loved me and that we could've worked out but now I realize just how wrong I was."

"No no no Birdie you're not wrong! You just flew away before I could catch you."

"Stop saying that! I can't fly away from you, you're the only thing that keeps me on the fucking ground." Birdie said, sighing deeply and running a hand through her hair.

Aster stared at her in silence, not sure what to say to that. She knew that Birdie wasn't hers and she couldn't just act on impulse right now, because her mind was telling her to kiss the fuck out of the girl across from her, but she knew that wouldn't solve anything.

"I do love you, Birdie, I'm just not in love with you. But, I want to be." Aster confessed and Birdie's eyes widened and a goofy smile spread across her lips. She'd been waiting to hear that ever since the first night she fell in love with Aster Oliveria.

So, Birdie kissed her right there in that sad little frozen yogurt shop, and she forgot about Hester, and focused on the brightest star in the sky, Aster. Aster pulled away rather quickly though, and touched her fingers to her lips, a grin coming across them.

"I'm sorry, you two have to leave. You're upsetting the customers." One of the employees said to the two girls and they furrowed their brows in confusion, looking around to see almost everyone in the store staring at them, most of them in disgust.

"If we're upsetting your customers you should really take into consideration the quality of said customers." Birdie said, and smirked to herself before she hardened her expression again, glaring at the employee.

"Please ma'am. I don't want to be rude but you and your girlfriend are disturbing the peace." The employee responded and Birdie rolled her eyes, grabbing Aster's hand somewhat angrily and walking straight out the door to sit down on the bench directly in front of the building.

The two of them sat there in silence, Aster not wanting to say anything that might upset her emotional friend, and Birdie too angry to say anything herself. Aster watched as Birdie took a cigarette out of a beaten up pack shoved in her front pocket, and she scrunched her face up in disgust as Birdie stuck the cigarette between her lips. Birdie noticed Aster's judging look, but she chose to ignore it, bringing a lighter to the end of the stick and lighting it, blowing out a puff of smoke soon after.

"I know how much you hate it, what with it killing you grandfather and all...sorry that was shitty of me to bring up. Damn. Uh, it just...helps me relax. If I only focus on this little cigarette and the way it tastes like absolute shit, then I forget about everything else plaguing my mind, like that ridiculous encounter in the yogurt shop." Birdie explained, and Aster nodded, understanding Birdie's reasoning for smoking, but still hating it nonetheless.

"You're going to die from those, but you don't really care about that do you?" Aster asked, and Birdie smirked, nodding slowly.

"Aster, I figure, when I go up there to the stars for the first and final time, at least you'll be there with me, my own little star in the sky."

"Why do you say stuff like that? You act like I fucking placed the sun in the sky! I broke your heart, why don't you resent me?" Aster said angrily, more mad at herself than she was at Birdie.

"Because no matter how broken my heart is, it still beats only for you." Birdie replied, casually blowing out a puff of smoke before throwing the cigarette on the ground and stomping on it.

"What about that girlfriend of yours?"

"A fucking distraction, that's what she is. Just a damn distraction." Birdie answered, standing up from where she was sitting and moving in front of Aster, holding out a hand for her to take.

Aster contemplated it for a second, wondering what would happen if she took Birdie's hand right now and they just started all over. Aster wanted to forget about everything that had ever happened between and start anew, but she knew that couldn't happen. There was too much history between them, and Aster shoved her hands in her pockets, staring down at the ground.

"Aster, I can just go back to her and live my life happily distracted if that's what you want. I just figured-"

"I want to be with you so bad I can feel it in my chest, but...now doesn't feel like the right time." Aster replied, and Birdie gave her a curious look, but she didn't question it, instead just nodded her head and pulled out her phone, dialing her girlfriend's number.

"Babe? Yeah, I'll be out late tonight so don't wait up for me, I know how worried you get....No, I'm just going to catch up with an old friend from high school...Ok I love you...bye babe."

"Well, we have all day to find the right time, so, come on." Birdie said, extending out her hand again, and this time, Aster took it, allowing herself to be led away to wherever Birdie saw fit.

____________________________________

Birdie and Aster found themselves sitting on a flight of stairs at a subway station, Birdie puffing on another cigarette and Aster watching the stars in front of her. Aster always loved the stars, but maybe that was just because Birdie always compared her to them.

Birdie and Aster had spent the day doing absolutely nothing special, and Birdie decided to end it with the most nothing special thing she could think of, which is why they were staring at stars together on a flight of gross subway stairs in a filthy part of town. Aster didn't really understand Birdie's thinking behind this, because didn't she want to sweep Aster off her feet and convince her they were meant to be?

"What are we doing here, Birdie?" Aster finally asked after she couldn't stand staring at the sky in silence anymore.

"Waiting for the right time." She answered, and Aster rolled her eyes, scoffing at the woman.

"It's a little bit harder than just waiting around in random places for our moment to come, Birdie."

"Is it? Because I could kiss you right now on these gross stairs, and it might be the perfect moment where we mutually decide that we are meant for each other. Or, it could cause the destruction of our basically nonexistent current relationship. We might never know." Birdie responded, scooting closer to Aster and wrapping her arm around her shoulder.

Aster thought about what Birdie said, and she turned her head to face the poor girl beside her with those sad, lost eyes that she had known since the start of high school when they met for the first time on the junior varsity soccer team and Birdie asked her if she wanted to pass the ball with her. Aster remembered how quickly their friendship blossomed after that and how much she loved to look into Birdie's eyes because they made her feel safe. Aster felt that undeniable assurance of safety looking into Birdie's eyes once again, and she leaned forward and connected their lips, calm spreading over her as Birdie's hands found their way to her hips and Aster's wrapped around Birdie's neck.

They pulled away after a few seconds, and Birdie stared at her in bewilderment, completely caught off guard by Aster's actions. Her sad, lost eyes lit up for a minute and Aster could swear that her eyes were more beautiful than she had ever seen them before.

"Jesus Christ." She said with a grin, and leaned in again, but Aster placed a hand against her chest, shaking her head.

"I can't be with you until you end things with her. I won't be a mistress." Aster said and Birdie nodded her head reluctantly, not really wanting to break her girlfriend's heard, but she knew she had to if she wanted Aster. And God did she want Aster.

_____________________________________

"So, Hester, I've been doing some thinking-"

"Why the hell did the manager of that frozen yogurt shop call me saying that she saw you kissing another girl?" Hester interrupted, standing up and angrily walking over to her soon to be ex-girlfriend, glaring at her.

"Dammit! Okay, you know Aster-"

"The bitch who broke your heart in high school?"

"Precisely. Well, we ran into each other yesterday and-"

"And you just ended up making out in the middle of a yogurt shop? There's gotta have been some planning to this, Birdie. How long were you planning to leave me for Aster?" Hester asked, and Birdie took a deep breath.

"Since the first time I kissed you. I thought about how I wished it was her and how much I still loved her." Birdie answered.

"So you've been torturing yourself and wasting my time for two years? Why the hell would you do that, Birdie?"

"Because! No one wants to be in love with their straight best friend, and you were in love with me, and I thought if you were in love with me maybe I could make myself love you too. I guess I was wrong."

"Damn right you were wrong. Jesus Christ, I've been sobbing over you cheating on me for hours, and I come to find that you didn't even love me, and that this two year relationship wasn't even real."

"I'm sorry. I thought I'd never see her again, but I have to be honest. I'm going to do everything I can to keep her, and I have to end this relationship to do so. So, I'm really sorry Hester, but I can't keep doing this." Birdie said, heading for the door to leave and find Aster again.

"I don't want you to fucking do this anymore, so why don't you go and throw yourself at that girl and let her break your heart again, you deserve it after putting me through all this." Hester shouted at her as Birdie walked through the door, and Birdie stopped in her tracks, wanting to say something in response, but she knew it would only make things worse, so she just walked out the door for the final time, getting into her car and speeding off to find the love of her life.

______________________________

Aster was sitting on her parent's couch, nervously twiddling her thumbs while her family bustled around, her older sister, Chrys, the only one who was actually acting normally. The rest of her family had been so excited to see her after it had been almost a year since she had come to visit. Honestly, she was only there to talk to Chrys about what she should do about Birdie, since Chrys was the only other person in the family who could relate to her problems, seeing as she had a young girlfriend of her own.

"So...this girl was hopelessly in love with you for the entirety of high school, you found out one night when she shows up drunk at your apartment, probably claiming that her inebriation had led her there. How cliché." Chrys said, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, like you and Nebraska's story isn't cliché as all hell." Aster said, referencing to Chrys and her girlfriend.

"Shut up, bitch. Our story is cute, yours is just messy." Chrys responded and Aster scoffed.

"Will you just give me some damn advice?" Aster begged,and Chrys sighed, shrugging her shoulders.

"Well...you guys obviously have some history, bad history, but you both have also obviously grown up since then, and Birdie is willing to end her relationship to be with you, so I'd say just go for it man, I mean, if you're really willing to make it work."

"Oh definitely, I've always wanted to be with Birdie, I just...it was never the right time, you know?" Aster replied and Chrys nodded, smiling at her and ruffling her hair.

"Look at my little sis, finally growing up and getting herself a lady." Chrys said mockingly, and Aster pushed her sister away, rolling her eyes.

Chrys and Aster discussed what Aster should do for a few more minutes until there was a loud knock on the door, and Aster's mother excitedly rushed over to open it, revealing a distressed Birdie, who was on the verge of tears. Aster immediately rushed over to comfort the girl, shooing her mother away and wrapping her arms tightly around Birdie's waist and pulling her into her body. Aster was tempted to ask what was wrong, but she already knew. She remembered back in high school when she asked Birdie about her name, and Birdie explained everything.

"Birdie, how exactly did you get the name Birdie?" Aster asked, sitting down beside her best friend.

"Well...I guess it starts with my dad. He named me Alba, and he always said my name came from Albatross, you know, that whole 'psychological burden' metaphor thing. I hated that I was named after a fucking metaphor for a burden, because, wasn't I supposed to be the greatest gift my father could ever receive? No, he got a 15 year old pregnant at 17 and was forced to take custody of me because she was unfit to raise me, so I was his little Albatross, little Alba."

"After a while, I grew to hate my name so much that I just started calling myself Birdie, because that's what an Albatross was right? A little birdie, just like me. So I started calling myself that, and I refused to be acknowledged by Alba, so after a while everyone else called me Birdie too."

Birdie couldn't ever fight the feeling that she was a burden to everyone, especially her best friend, that was the reason her and Aster stopped talking to each other the first time, and now she was feeling that way again because she had just hurt someone so badly and was yet another burden for someone.

"Birdie, I know what you're thinking and I want you to stop thinking it right now? Okay. There are people who want you and need you, and one of them is me, so don't think of yourself as a burden." Aster whispered into Birdie's ear and she held her close, and suddenly she was pushed away.

"You don't fucking understand Aster! I thought you would, but you don't! You don't know what it's like to be told that you weren't wanted from the day you were born." Birdie said, angrily wiping a tear streaming down her cheek.

"Birdie, there is nothing I want more than you, and I hope you know that." Aster said softly, approaching the girl again, who just backed away into the door, sliding down it onto her knees.

Aster took a seat beside her, not sure what to say anymore. She couldn't do anything to help Birdie's internalized hatred and resentment, and she wasn't even sure what triggered it. She wanted to ask, but she wasn't sure she would like the answer.

"We broke up, and she said something that I can't get out of my head, and I just need to know that if I hurt you too, that you won't look back at everything we did as a waste of time." Birdie muttered barely over a whisper and Aster nodded frantically, cupping Birdie's cheeks and pressing her lips passionately against the other girl's. Birdie pulled back quickly, shaking her head, indicating that she needed to hear Aster say it, there was no other way to allay her insecurities.

"Birdie, everything we do I will remember as fondly as I can. I would never regret anything that I do with you." Aster said and Birdie smiled softly, leaning in and capturing Aster's lips with her own.

The two sat there against Aster's front door, kissing and forgetting about everything around them, and it was exactly what both of them needed. They needed each other to balance the other out, how had they not realized that before? Things never felt right until they were around each other, even though it took them 6 years to figure that out.

"Alright love birds, I think you can stand to stop making out for five seconds to come to dinner." Chrys said, walking up to the two girls with a smirk on her features. The two pulled away from each other and both glared at Aster's older sister, who seemed way too smug.

The two begrudgingly got up from their position on the floor, Birdie instantly reaching her hand over to grab Aster's, not wanting to spend another second away from her. She had spent too long that way, and now that she had the option not to, she wasn't going to waste the opportunity.

Birdie and Aster took a seat at the already cramped dinner table, everyone pushing their chairs as close together as possible and soon after holding out their hands for the people them to take. Aster's mom eagerly looked over at Birdie, asking her if she'd like to say grace, and Birdie nodded happily, squeezing Aster's hand gently and taking a deep breath.

"I've never really been great at these things, but I'm so grateful to be having dinner with such a loving and happy family, and I'm so happy to be welcomed with open arms into this house, and um...thank you for this great meal, Mrs. Oliveria. May it be as pleasing to our mouths as it is to our eyes." Birdie said with a nervous chuckle and Aster grinned from beside her.

"You will always be welcome here, Birdie. We've missed you these past few years, what have you been doing?" Aster's father asked and everyone turned to look at Birdie, who was coming up with some elaborate story in her head to seem more impressive than the actual truth; she had been in a dead end relationship and worked at a gross frozen yogurt shop to pay for the apartment her and the girl she was in a dead end relationship with shared.Oh, and she smoked a lot of cigarettes and cried over her ex-best friend. And now she was out of the dead end relationship and had nowhere to live. Not exactly the best story to tell the family.

"I..um...I traveled a lot with my um...brother. It was like a family bonding thing. And I worked in a lot of random places across the country. It was really fun. And then after we were done traveling, we came back home and he went back to living with my parents and I found a little apartment downtown. And yeah, that's what I've been doing. How about you guys? Chrys, how's Nebraska?" Birdie said, trying to get the topic off of herself.

"Oh Nebraska's wonderful. She's actually visiting this weekend, so maybe you'll get to meet her. Yeah, we've been together for four years now, so that's pretty cool."

Of course, Birdie wasn't really listening to Chrys going on and on about her girlfriend anymore, she was just trying to create a distraction to lengthen the amount of time where she didn't have to explain her past to the girl sitting beside her who was quizzically staring at Birdie probably trying to understand why she had just unashamedly lied to Aster's parents.

Dinner ended way too soon, and Birdie was whisked away to Aster's backyard where she was sat at one of the plastic chairs sitting on the patio.

"Why didn't you tell them what you really were doing all this time?" Aster asked and Birdie stared down at the ground, not really sure how to explain.

"I don't want your parents to know that I was throwing away my life waiting for you to come back into it." Birdie answered shamefully.

"Birdie, my parents love you and they've always been so supportive of you. Just because you had a rough few years doesn't mean they'll be disappointed in you." Aster tried to comfort her, but Birdie turned away, shaking her head.

"I just...I can't believe that I spent two years of my life waiting around for you. I'm pathetic. No wonder you didn't want anything to do with me during all that time. I'm nothing but a burden to everyone." Birdie said and Aster shook her head, cupping Birdie's cheeks and forcing her head towards her so that they were maintaining eye contact.

"I was waiting for you too Birdie, and you're not a burden to me do you understand that? Jesus Christ all I've ever wanted to do was hold you and kiss you and tell you that you matter so much to me. Birdie, you matter so much to me and I want to spend every second of every day with you." Aster proclaimed and Birdie's sad, lost eyes lit up, and they would stay that way as long as she was looking at Aster, her little star in the sky.


End file.
